Zero Hour

A bell rings.

A fresh-faced, but tentative, TEACHER stands in front of a large desk and chalkboard, addressing the first class of the day.

TEACHER
Settle down. Quiet, please. That means you.

Now, I know we’re all in uncharted territory today. It’s a big adjustment for everyone. But I know we’ll get through this.

Your cellphones are safe and sound in our phone lockers. You’ll get them back at the end of the day.

Jackson? What are you doing? That’s not a phone, that’s my chalkboard eraser. Why are you swiping it?

Emma, get back in your seat. I just said it’s not a phone. It’s not polite to grab.

Why are you fighting over an eraser? James! Kaylee! Margo! It’s just rectangular, it’s not a phone.

(We can hear a small melee brewing. TEACHER watches, alarmed,
then gets angry.)

TEACHER
SIT DOWN! ALL OF YOU!

Thank you. (Beat) I’m sorry I snapped. I’m missing my phone too, if truth be told.

(Restarts:)

Now, let’s take a breath. Re-center ourselves. In. (Inhales) Out. (Exhales) Good.

Today, we’re going to try something new. In front of you is a piece of paper and a pencil. First, I want you all to write your names at the top of the page.

Forest, that’s not how it works. You don’t use your thumbs. (Holds up a pencil) You have to hold it like so. CAREFUL–THAT END OF THE PENCIL IS SHARP!

I’m sorry, Kate. No: there are no other pages to go to–it’s just a single piece of paper.

You can’t enlarge the letters that way, Jordan. You’ll just have to write bigger.

Okay, Maggie--that’s a really pretty picture, but that’s not how we sign our name. (Listens) What? It’s you? A selfie? I see. (Beat) No, you can’t make copies and pass them around. You need to concentrate on your handwrit–

Michael, it’s a very good likeness, but we’re not drawing a sandwich right now. Put away your lunchbox and please, write your name.

Jackson? What are you doing? What’s that you’re hiding? Hand it over.

(TEACHER retrieves a calculator.)

You realize this isn’t a phone, right? It’s a calculator. But it does fit in your hands nicely.

I can see the appeal. You can click the buttons with your thumbs. Ooooh. I’m imagining I’m texting my best friend. (Tapping) Now I’m scrolling Instagram. Like. Scroll. Like. Like. Like. (Poses, takes a pretend selfie) Hashtag school life.

(Clicking, scrolling out of habit) No, you can’t have it. It’s mine.

(Notices the class encroaching.)

Stay in your seats.

(Disturbed)

This is my calculator! STAY BACK! BACK, I SAID. IT’S MINE! MINE!

What are you doing? Put down those chairs. It’s not even a phone!

(As if attacked:)

GET OFF OF ME! NOOOOO!

(LIGHTS OUT)